Translated and annotated by Okadavich, with additional notes from Keiko T. Olds’ blog
【About Translater Okadavich】I'm an amateur translator and self taught artist who likes retro manga, goth, punk, psychedelia surrealism etc etc. My blood type is O, my favorite food is tomato pasta and I'm severely weak-willed. My most notable characteristic is being related to Sigmund Freud. I don't know what else to say. Gestapo is my favorite(?) character in this because his concept is so funny, but that might cause problems, so maybe we should call him Gazpacho instead?🗿✨✨✨"
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
Script, Direction, Sound Design: Ameya Norimizu
Artwork: Maruo Suehiro
Set Design: Mikami Seiko
Lighting: Seto Mitsunobu, Ryumae Stage Lighting
Audio: Ameya Norimizu, Fuchioka Yasuko
Costumes: Yaguruma Kennosuke, Sato Tamako
Props: Fuchioka Yasuko
Stage Direction: Okumura Hiroshi
Co-Staff: Kamio Shigeko, Ueji Mamiko, Kikkawa Motoko, Setoguchi Kazuko, Kawahara Takako, Sumi Saki, Miyajima Kawori, Aoki Midori, Imaizumi Koichi
Producer: Oshi Hiroko
With Support From: Kikuchi Planning Office
CAST
Coco: Shimada Kyusaku
Whammy: Koshi Miharu
Walpurgis: Takei Tatsuhide
Rita: Yaguruma Kennosuke
Yokan: Ueno Jin
Naru: Ishikawa Narutoshi
Gestapo: Ohashi Jiro
Lugosi: Ameya Norimizu
Zhou: Okumura Hiroshi
Whammy’s Older Brother: Tanahashi Shinichi(Nuts)
Hamazato: Hamazato Kentaro
Tatsuru: Ishikawa Tatsuru
Hijikata: Hijikata Toshizo
Manservant: Taguchi Takaaki
Otsuka Jels Hall. Stage and seats are curtained off from each other,
as per the usual. Pale blue house lighting. Overall impression of a cleanroom.
.......................More or less appropriate music playing. Expectant members of taudience.
Flippant members of the audience.
Members of the audience unhappy with how cramped the seating is.
Sleepy members of the audience.
Anyway, time to begin. Slow fade to black.
The audience will probably quiet down at this point.
Prologue
[Total darkness. Shrill, droning music. Lights come up slowly. Four coffins are lined up onstage, in what appears to be a cellar. No sign of anyone. A booming noise cuts through the droning music. The lid of the leftmost coffin falls forward. Inside is a corpse wrapped in plastic. Another booming noise. The lid of the neighboring coffin opens. Another corpse inside. The rest of the coffins open one by one in the same manner, each exposing a corpse. Then, another booming noise. Two big doors, one on stage left and one on stage right, fall forward. Two men dressed as chefs appear in the stage right door. In the stage left door, a GENTLEMAN in a frock coat carrying a long cane. The three men gaze forward, unmoving. Suddenly:]
GENTLEMAN
......Zhou Yizhen, I presume?
ZHOU
......XXXXX. [In Chinese]
COCO
......My name is Natade Coco. I've come for the goods, as per our agreement......
ZHOU
XXXXXXXX.
COCO
I see everything is in order.
ZHOU
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
We’ve prepared four in total. Pick whichever one you’d like.
COCO
My, my.
ZHOU
XXXX!
[ZHOU and the MANSERVANT point towards the coffins. COCO, for the first time, turns his head to look at them.]
COCO
......These? ......Ho ho... They seem to have sustained quite a bit of damage.
ZHOU
[Suddenly angry] XXXXX! XXXXXXX!
COCO
―—?
MANSERVANT
He says, “Keep nitpicking and I won’t sell!”
COCO
Oh, no, I had no intention of......
ZHOU
XXXXX! XXXXXXX!
MANSERVANT
He says, “Who do you think went to all the trouble to get these?!”
COCO
My apologies. Please, pay me no mind. No, truly, their condition doesn’t matter to me in the slightest… I do beg your pardon.
ZHOU
XXXX! [Launches into a description of the leftmost body]
MANSERVANT
This first is a male, middle-aged.
ZHOU
XXXXX, XXXXXXX, XXXXX.
MANSERVANT
He died of heart failure three days ago. He is very fat, and seemed to be quite wealthy. All his gold teeth are intact. He was about, I’d say, 47, 48 years old. ......Is that to your liking?
COCO
[Knitting his brows] I see... And the next?
ZHOU
XXXXX. XXXXXX!
MANSERVANT
This next one is a young female, about 22 or 23. Unfortunately, she is not a virgin. She was raped, which drove her to suicide. A real frigid one, the type you don’t see too often these days.
COCO
Hmmm.
ZHOU
XXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
He says she's quite the beauty, but as you can see, her face is riddled with maggots...
[The MANSERVANT lifts up the woman’s hair, exposing her decaying face. One of her eyeballs seems to have popped out and gone missing.]
COCO
Next!!
ZHOU
XXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
The third is a male of around 30. He was a victim of strangulation, but all his musculature is intact.
ZHOU
XXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
His organs are in fine shape, too, so if you’re looking to do medical experiments, I think he’s your best bet. ......How about it?
COCO
Next!
ZHOU
XXXXXX,XXXXX.
MANSERVANT
The last is...... A lad of around 20.
COCO
Ah. ......He certainly died quite young.
ZHOU
XXXXXXX......XXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
He’s awfully scrawny, so I don’t think… Well, no, I suppose it’s a matter of taste.
ZHOU
XXXXXXX.
MANSERVANT
Now then, Number 1, Number 2, Number 3, Number 4...... Make your choice verrry carefully. Naturally, though, we’d pick this one if we were you. [Approaches the second coffin]
COCO
Number 4.
MANSERVANT
Eh?
COCO
[Takes a chair from the corner of the room and slams it down in the center] The fourth boy! Bring him out!
MANSERVANT
......
COCO
[Thrusts a small case against ZHOU’s chest] Here’s your money! Now!
[The MANSERVANT, astonished, takes the fourth body from its coffin.]
COCO
Be careful…… Gently, now!...
MANSERVANT
......
[The MANSERVANT sits the body down in the chair. COCO creeps up to it, holds it fast, and begins to inspect every nook and cranny. The glint in his eye gets brighter and brighter. ZHOU takes the money from the case and holds it up to the light to inspect it.]
MANSERVANT
......But...... I must say... You are an odd customer, sir. ......One barely ever gets the chance to procure a young woman’s corpse...... In your position, most would pick her......
COCO
[Indifferent] ......Hm...
MANSERVANT
[Grinning obscenely] ...Besides, with a female corpse, you do get the opportunity for certain other enjoyments. Ho ho.
COCO
......?
MANSERVANT
No, yes, even nowadays. The times may change, but people never do, not when it comes to that. ......Right? You catch my meaning?
COCO
Would you shut your mouth for a second?!
MANSERVANT
......
[COCO, having thoroughly examined the body, stares into its eyes. Beat. He begins to murmur something under his breath, chanting.]
COCO
......gis......alpur...... Walpur......
MANSERVANT
......? ......What is the matter?
COCO
Walpur......gis... Walpurgis... Walpur... [Stands up, speaking progressively louder]
ZHOU
XXXX!
MANSERVANT
Sir! Whatever is the matter?! Sir!
COCO
[Suddenly raises his cane high] Walpurgis!!
ZHOU & MANSERVANT
―—―—.
COCO
......This! [Brings cane down on the body hard] ......Is how you and I meet! [Hits it again] .........
[Music. Spotlight on COCO and the body. COCO continues to whack the body in time with the music. Within the glow produced by the spotlight, the four coffins can be seen moving backwards, until they are finally embedded in the wall of the set. Slow fade to black.]
Act One: Mice (For Experiments)
[Music segues into something more quiet. A group of boys comes into view, lined up in a row downstage, barely visible except for their faces. They each have a glass beaker in their right hand, which they hold up to their faces and peer into. Each beaker has a house mouse moving around in it. Behind them, pitch darkness, nothing visible. At length they begin to open their mouths, speaking briefly, one by one.]
1
The year 1986.
2
Tokyo.
4
The Club Walpurgis.
5
In the basement. Basement. Base-ment.
6
In the basement...... An experiment began.
1
And a mere 190 days later.
2
The bodies of six out of ten dead mice began to move once more.
3
Squeak.
4
This is what he said:
5
A broken machine can work again if you repair it.
6
That’s right!!
EVERYBODY
Shhh! [Put their fingers to their lips, scolding the boy who yelled]
6
......That's right. If you have the techniques.
1
If you have the techniques.
2
If you have the techniques.
3
If you have the techniques......
4
Eventually, a single immobile body was carried into the basement.
5
And then another 190 days later.
6
He started to breathe.
1
He could hear the footsteps of the kids dancing unaware in the club above.
[For a moment, the sounds of Dead or Alive mingled with shoes kicking the floor.]
2
......Perhaps to him they sounded like the pulsating throb of the womb.
3
Seconds.
4
Until.
5
Scheduled birth:
6
[Everyone looks at their watches. Quietly:] ......Neunzehn.
1
Achtzehn.
2
Siebzehn.
3
Sechzehn.
4
Fünfzehn.
5
Vierzehn.
6
Dreizehn.
1
Zwölf.
2
Elf.
3
Zehn. [Progressively louder]
4
Neun.
5
Acht.
6
Sieben!
1
Zechs!
2
Fünf!
3
Vier!
4
Drei!!
5
Zwei!!
6
Eins!!!
[The six boys crouch down in unison. Music. The lights behind them come up. In the center of the room lies a large iron coffin with the word “WALPURGIS” on its side. Behind the left end of the coffin, COCO holds a pose with his cane aloft. Blackout. Short beat. Lights come up. COCO posing behind the center of the coffin. The six boys are gone. Blackout. Short beat. Lights come up. COCO posing behind the right end of the coffin. He brings his cane down on the coffin’s lid. Beat. The coffin’s lid jerks open a bit. A hand in a black leather glove peeks through the gap. It grips the edge of the lid and lifts it up. The lid falls behind the coffin. COCO jumps out of the way. The man in the coffin slowly raises his upper body, covering his face with both hands. The music stops.]
COCO
......[Looks on, overjoyed]
WALPUR
......It’s so bright...... Why’s it so bright?
COCO
[Gently] You’ve been asleep for a very long time...... You’ll get used to it soon enough.
WALPUR
A very long time? ......How long?
COCO
190 days.
WALPUR
[Pulls hands away from face in shock] 190?...... [Sees COCO’s face for the first time] ......Who...... Are you?
COCO
......I'm your papa, Walpurgis.
WALPUR
'Scuse me?
COCO
You can call me daddy, if that isn't to your liking.
WALPUR
Dude, wait a―—
COCO
In other words...... I am your father.
WALPUR
That’s―—―—
COCO
You try to say “That’s crazy!”, yet the words get trapped in your throat.
WALPUR
......Crazy.
COCO
In a panic, you search for any basis to disprove it.
WALPUR
......
COCO
But you can’t find one.
[WALPUR presses his hands to his face, bewildered.]
COCO
Your corpse had sustained a remarkable amount of damage. I had no choice but to borrow a good number of parts from other sources. So I’m very sorry...... But your body is a complete mishmash.
WALPUR
I...... I’m......
COCO
I don't even know if you could call yourself 'yourself'. Your eyes may betray the memory of your cerebrum. Your anus may betray the memory of your eyes. Even your penis may betray the memory of your anus. ............Your lips may know everything there is to know of woman, while your loins remain chaste......... So trying to remember won't do you any good. You are a newborn baby, and I am your father.
WALPUR
......I......I don’t believe it......
COCO
That’s understandable. But you don’t have to. Whether you believe or not, the world continues to turn.
WALPUR
[Angered] Oh, the world, huh?! So who the hell turns it and where the hell are they?!
COCO
.........
WALPUR
You?! Here?!
COCO
......No.
WALPUR
Heh! .........I bet you think you do! ......It’s all over your face!
COCO
Well...... I suppose...... At the very least I do have you in the palm of my hand. You may call what I did alchemy, more precisely, an alchemy of flesh, or in contemporary terms...... You are a track composed of carrion samples; a cadaver mega-mix, if you would. ......I thought a great deal about what to make out of you. I could have turned you into a pair of Siamese twins, for instance, or made you female from the waist down. ......Then, after much deliberation, I decided upon the perfect role, the only one befitting my very first son. ......And what do you think that was?
WALPUR
I have no idea what you’re talking―—―—
COCO
You are a vampire.
WALPUR
Huh?
COCO
A vampire.
WALPUR
......You... [laughs] You got your head screwed on all right, pops?
COCO
Like I said, your belief or disbelief has no bearing on the truth of things! ......Why don’t you try and eat this.
[He throws an apple at WALPURGIS. WALPURGIS looks at the apple, confused.]
COCO
Well?! You must be hungry after such a long nap. Take a bite!
[WALPURGIS resolutely bites down on the apple, but immediately grimaces and spits it back out.]
WALPUR
Augh...... Bleh! ...It tastes like... What the... Bleh!
COCO
[Observes, satisfied] That apple isn’t rotten. ......You simply can’t stomach it. You’re the one who can’t stomach it.
WALPUR
.........
COCO
Only fluids can pass through your esophagus now. And the only fluid you’ll find to be yummy is blood. ......Blood. Ketsueki. Sang! Das Blut! ......You understand?
WALPUR
......Like hell I do...... Why’s it gotta be like that?
COCO
It’s...... ‘Cause I made you that way.
WALPUR
......Eugh!!
[WALPURGIS throws the apple to the floor, annoyed. He sinks into silence for a bit. COCO wiggles around as he looks at him, unable to contain his glee. Suddenly, WALPURGIS bursts out laughing, like he’s decided that thinking any more about it is a stupid idea.]
WALPUR
......Aw, whatever! ......I gotcha. I can live with this vampire thing.
[WALPURGIS flops back down into his coffin. COCO abruptly goes to get a glass placed in a corner of the room.]
WALPUR
......I mean, human, vampire, not like there’s that big a difference...... I just gotta eat different stuff, right? Am I right, old timer?
COCO
Indeed. [He offers Walpurgis the glass. It’s filled with water.]
WALPUR
...? ......
COCO
Here. Drink.
[WALPURGIS grabs it, somewhat violently. The water spills a bit.]
COCO
Don’t spill it!
WALPUR
Get off my ass, man!
[WALPURGIS drinks the water, making vulgar slurping noises. COCO watches him, brows furrowed. When he’s finished, WALPURGIS holds out the glass.]
WALPUR
Gimme more.
COCO
No.
WALPUR
Why the hell not?! I’m thirsty here!
COCO
Out of the question!
WALPUR
......
COCO
[Vehemently] If you drink any more than that, you’ll dilute the blood already in your system. Your bloodthirst will grow severe.]
WALPUR
So? I’m a vampire, aren’t I?
COCO
It’s far too early! I will tell you when, where, how, and whose blood to drink, at my own leisure. Until then, one glass of water a day. See the gradations on the side? You get precisely 150cc. No more, no less. Measure it carefully, and do not spill. Understood?!
WALPUR
......Didn’t know being a vampire would be such a pain in the ass.
COCO
Hmph...... You’re no vampire, not yet. Merely a little vam-boy.
[Suddenly, a trumpet sounds, and a messenger robot with COCO’s face comes out of the wall.]
WALPUR
What now?
COCO
.........They’re here.
WALPUR
Who?
COCO
Go back to sleep! Get inside the coffin!
WALPUR
Why?! What’s going on?
COCO
The mice have arrived.
WALPUR
Mice?
COCO
A little early, but no matter...... Now! Hurry up and get in!
[WALPURGIS, his questions left unanswered, lies down inside. COCO pushes the platform the coffin rests on upstage.]
COCO
Now, absolutely do not get out of the coffin until I open the lid! And be quiet! Understood?!
WALPUR
As crystal.
[COCO raises the lid from behind to shut it.]
WALPUR
Okey-dokey, see ya in another ten thousand years, I guess.
[COCO silently closes the lid. He looks at the ceiling, hurriedly scans the interior of the room, and then lowers a switch on the wall. The room falls into darkness. Beat. Sound of COCO’s footsteps as he leaves. Music. Furious stomping sounds can be heard from near the ceiling.]
VOICE 1
Heyyy, Narutoshiii......Heyyy.
VOICE 2
What.
1
It’s so daaark.
2
Yeah, and?
1
It’s so scaryyy.
2
My god, do you realize how pathetic you sound?!
1
I knew we shouldn’t have done this... Let’s go back...... This place is bad news, man......
2
When we’re this far in?! Here!!
1
Huh?
2
Lighter. Use it.
[Flicking sound as the lighter is switched on. Two men loiter halfway down a staircase descending from the ceiling. The one holding the lighter is a bony, gangly man with glasses, skinny jeans, and Robot-brand shoes. The one above him has jeans torn at the knees and spiked brown hair, recognizably punk.]
1
Augh!! What the hell is this place?!!
2
Freaky.
1
Let’s go back. ......C’mon, Naru, let’s get outta here.
NARU
Get your ass down the stairs already!!
1
Wehhh.
NARU
Fuckin’ hell, enough with the sad grandpa face. ‘Wehhh’, my ass......
[1 descends the staircase, seemingly on the verge of tears.]
1
Ow! It’s all hot, Naru, I can’t hold it anymore.
NARU
Just suck it up for now! There’s gotta be a lightswitch around here, go look for it.
1
Like it’ll even work.
NARU
It has to work!! ......Listen, Yokan. I know there has got to be somebody living here. Now move it!!
[1 reluctantly starts looking. NARU takes out another lighter and switches it on.]
YOKAN
[Monologuing] ......Come on, man...... What’s with the yelling...... Christ...... Just ‘cause you’re the lead singer...... Thinking you’re all hot shit......
NARU
[Monologuing] ......Look over there...... Check this thing out...... It’s gotta be a coffin...... I knew it... We got something here, alright.
YOKAN
Auuuggghhh!!! [Abruptly falls on his behind]
NARU
What is it?!
YOKAN
M... Mice!! ......Mice!!
[YOKAN points to a glass jar with 30 or so mice squirming around inside.]
NARU
[Peers into the jar] Tch! ......It’s a couple a mice, no need to start screamin’ your fuckin’ head off......
YOKAN
But... But......
NARU
Hey! Forget that, check this out. We got candles! [Takes one and lights it] Heheh...... Score......
YOKAN
No...... Listen, man...... When I was a kid, I had these pet house mice... Then one day, I forgot to feed ‘em, and they started eating each other...... And you know what they did... They did it from the head down... They just started gnawing on each other’s heads and went from there...... And then...... When I got back to my room, in the cage, I saw all these mice twitching around with their heads bit clean off...... And now whenever I see one... I just get so sick, man.........
NARU
Huh. ......But y’know...... Yokan...... Think about us...... Heheh.........
YOKAN
Wha?
NARU
Think about it...... If we were trapped in this room together...... And we couldn’t get out for days...... You just might end up on the menu.
YOKAN
Quit...... Quit sayin’ that freaky shit! ......Dumbass......
NARU
Ooh, I spy me some taaasty-lookin’ Yokan!! [Creeps toward him, candle held out]
YOKAN
Stop it! Fuckin’ stop it! ...Screw this, I’m outta here! I’m going home!! [Gets up off the ground in anger]
NARU
Hey, wait. I’m sorry, man, I’m sorry......
YOKAN
......
NARU
I’m sorry. I mean it. ......Come on, stick with me a little longer.
YOKAN
..........Why you so hung up on this place anyway?
NARU
Uh...... I saw something. Something kinda weird. ...The other day... Yeah, when we were doing a Days show back upstairs. All the restrooms were full, and I was looking around for somewhere to do my business, right, so I ended up out back behind the building...... And then I saw these two weirdos come out the boiler room and go down that staircase!
YOKAN
...What kinda weirdos?
NARU
Yeah―—―— One of them, uh...... Looked like a hunchback.
YOKAN
A hunchback?
NARU
Yeah, a hunchback! ......Do they even have those anymore? They’re practically extinct, right? .........And then this other person was even weirder, they had one of those, uh, those white things, that you wear during ballet, you know, the ones that’re all frilly and shit―—―—
YOKAN
A tutu?
NARU
Yeah, a tutu! This other person had one of those, couldn't tell if they were a dude or a chick though.
YOKAN
Yeah, 'cause they were a queen or something.
NARU
You ever see a drag queen hanging out with a hunchback?
YOKAN
.........Nope. Okay. Yeah, that's real weird.
NARU
Right? ......Look, I know I’m gonna sound like a little kid here, but we’ve got something big on our hands, a, how do I put this―—―—
Suddenly the stage left door opens with a crash, and two figures leap out. Intense music. From the blinding light coming from inside the door, we can tell that these are the hunchback and tutu person Naru was talking about. Strands resembling fine nerves trail up the lower half of the man in the tutu’s body. Similar nerves can be seen spreading around the hunchback’s neck like a collar, and the twisted spinal cord protruding from his broken back is, on closer inspection, made of metal. The man in the tutu brandishes a long whip. The HUNCHBACK, screaming something in pain, runs toward stage right. TUTU pursues him, and cracks the whip again in front of stage right. The HUNCHBACK runs back to stage left. TUTU continues to chase him, diving back inside the door. The door closes after him with another crash. The music stops, and the stage is once again dark.]
YOKAN
...... [Agape]
NARU
...... [Agape]
YOKAN
.........Was that... Them?
NARU
Yeah...... Them.
YOKAN
......The hell was all that?
NARU
......No clue.
YOKAN
......Did they...... See us?
NARU
No...... I don’t think they noticed......
YOKAN
Right......
NARU
...... [Stands up, and puts his hand on the stage left door, examining it]
YOKAN
Hey...... What do we do about this?
NARU
Huh?
YOKAN
What are we supposed to do now?
NARU
I’unno.
YOKAN
Let’s go home. I knew we should’ve gone home.
NARU
Idiot! What’ll that get us?
YOKAN
I don’t know, what’ll staying here get us?
NARU
Come on, not when it’s just getting good!
YOKAN
What’s ‘good’ about any of this?!
NARU
[Suddenly notices something] Wait! Shh!
[NARU puts his ear to the door.]
YOKAN
......What now?
NARU
Shh.........
YOKAN
.........
NARU
......I think...... I think I just heard something.
YOKAN
Fantastic. It’s them again.
NARU
Yeah, maybe.
YOKAN
I don’t wanna deal with this shit. Now what?
NARU
Let’s hide!
YOKAN
Hide?
NARU
Yeah.
YOKAN
Where?
NARU
Just look around.
YOKAN
Where......
NARU
Hurry!
YOKAN
Geez.
[NARU hurriedly conceals himself in a corner of the room. YOKAN does the same, but immediately gets back up.]
YOKAN
Wait, shit! Those!
NARU
[Sticks his face out] What?!
YOKAN
The candles, the candles!
NARU
Make it quick, dumbass!
YOKAN
You’re the one who was dumb enough to light them!
[YOKAN runs toward the candles.]
YOKAN
Come on, why’s it gotta be me...
[YOKAN blows out two of the candles. As he takes another deep breath, the stage left door opens with another crash. This time it’s COCO, standing alone. YOKAN gets up and whirls around in surprise. COCO watches YOKAN with an icy stare.]
YOKAN
!......Uh... Um...... Hello.........
COCO
There’s really no need to put those out.
YOKAN
O-Of course...... I mean...... Pardon the intrusion, sir!
[YOKAN bows deeply. COCO’s expression is unchanged.]
COCO
......In fact...... I’d say it’s a bit too dark in here.
[COCO whirls around and raises the switch. The lights in the room go on. YOKAN looks around with a frightened expression.]
COCO
......Oh? You’re alone?
YOKAN
Yes, sir!
COCO
I swore I heard a conversation.
YOKAN
Well, no...... Y’see...... I talk to myself a lot.........
COCO
That loudly?
YOKAN
Ha ha. ......I’m...... I guess I’m kinda weird like that. Ha ha ha.
COCO
......Very well, then.
[COCO briskly approaches YOKAN. YOKAN backs away in fright.]
YOKAN
Ha ha...... But, uh...... This room’s pretty darn weird too......
COCO
Is it now.
YOKAN
Yeah. I mean...... Like...... In a cool way, y’know. I really like this kinda thing, it’s neat. Yeah.
[COCO leisurely blows out the remaining candles.]
YOKAN
Oh...... S-Sorry about that.........
COCO
By the way, young man!
YOKAN
Yessir!!
COCO
Why exactly are you here again?
YOKAN
Right! I was, uh, well, first of all, I’m sorry for coming in here without permission, that was real rude of me. I mean, uh, it wasn’t really anything big. I just uh, heard this noise, and I was like, I wonder what that is? And I...... Then I, uh...... Right, that! It was, uh, mice. Just, uh, mice skittering around. ...Ha ha.........
COCO
Ahhh, mice.
YOKAN
Yeah! Mice! ......You know, the, what do you call them? Uh, house mice...... Ummm, you know, the ones they use in, like, experiments and stuff.........
COCO
Yes, we do typically use those of the species Mus musculus.
YOKAN
Oh, I see, Mus musculus. Gee, you experts are something else. ......Wait, what? That means, wait, you’re really, uh, doing like, some kinda... Experiments... In here......?
COCO
Indeed, they are for experiments. But they’re no longer needed. I was thinking I’d get rid of them.
YOKAN
Oh, well, in that case, maybe I could, like, take them off your hands, or something...... Ha ha.
COCO
Well, it just so happens that a far livelier, and far, far bigger mouse has fallen into my hands......... Young man.
[COCO heartily claps YOKAN on the shoulder. YOKAN’s expression freezes.]
YOKAN
......S... Sir, you’re joking, right...?
[COCO abruptly grips YOKAN’s shoulder hard.]
COCO
Don’t move!! ......You hear me? Not one inch!
[COCO runs to WALPUR’s coffin and opens the lid. WALPUR’s bored face appears.]
COCO
Get up!
WALPUR
What, already?
COCO
[Turns around] You there! Let me introduce you to my son, Walpurgis!
YOKAN
...... [Backs away in shock]
COCO
And this is the little mouse I’ve just acquired.
WALPUR
Oh, cool. Hey.
YOKAN
Wait a minute!
COCO
[Leaps to the faucet in the corner of the room and begins filling a glass] Walpurgis! It seems we’ll be starting our first experiment a good deal ahead of schedule. It’s already time for your second glass of water. Your body will begin to crave blood in a matter of seconds. Incidentally, the only blood worthy of your palate is blood like his. Male blood. And only from men who are as young as possible. Now, you must never drink the blood of a woman! .........In the event that you do...... Your body will reject it, and you will experience a pain like death itself. You must never forget this!
WALPUR
.........Alright.
COCO
[Gives him the water] Now then, to commemorate your very first dinner. .........Be sure to savor it.
[WALPUR takes the glass and downs the water in one gulp. COCO slowly turns toward YOKAN.]
YOKAN
[On the verge of tears] You’re kidding...... You gotta be kidding......
COCO
You, mouse! [Swoops down on YOKAN, grabbing his collar] ............Squeak for me.
YOKAN
Huh?
COCO
You heard me. Squeak.
YOKAN
......
COCO
Now!
YOKAN
........................Squeak.
COCO
Not enough! Louder!
YOKAN
Squeak...... Squeaaak.........
COCO
Louder!
YOKAN
STOP IT, PLEEEAAASE!
COCO
YOU WILL SQUEAK!
[COCO pushes YOKAN to the floor, where he crumples in a heap.]
YOKAN
[Crying] Squeeeak...... Squeak......... Squeeeaaak............
COCO
...............[Slowly raises his cane aloft] ......Now!
[COCO brings down his cane. Intense music. Walpurgis leaps upon YOKAN. YOKAN frantically runs toward stage right. COCO nimbly dances to the exit, blocking it. YOKAN runs to stage left. The stage left door slams down before him with a crash. YOKAN springs toward the staircase and desperately tries to scramble his way up. Panicked, he loses his footing. He writhes about like a mouse cornered by a cat. WALPURGIS drags YOKAN down from his position in the middle of the staircase. COCO looks on, laughing. The two men continue to struggle until they stop at center stage. WALPURGIS stares into YOKAN’s eyes. YOKAN’s face is frozen in terror. Beat. WALPURGIS bites down hard on YOKAN’s neck.]
YOKAN
―—―—!!
[Spotlight on WALPURGIS and YOKAN. A scream. Music changes to Bartók on piano. The two remain unmoving. Against the backdrop of the quiet music...... The sounds of YOKAN’s labored wheezing and WALPURGIS’ slurping as he sucks his blood. This continues for an exasperatingly long amount of time. COCO looks on, not moving an inch. Finally, YOKAN’s body falls to the floor with a thud. WALPURGIS staggers two or three steps out of the spotlight. COCO takes his place within the spotlight and looks down at YOKAN. He tries to rouse him, nudging him with the tip of his shoe. Then he crouches down and pokes him with his cane. YOKAN doesn’t even twitch. WALPURGIS’ voice from outside the spotlight.]
WALPUR
.........I’m tired.
COCO
..................
WALPUR
I’m all sleepy now I’m full.
COCO
Are you. [Still looking at YOKAN]
WALPUR
[Gives a great big yawn] Huah! ......Let me go to bed.
COCO
How do you feel?
WALPUR
Alright. ......We’re good now, aren’t we? I wanna go to sleep already.
COCO
You can at least open your own coffin!
WALPUR
......Yeah, yeah......... You got it.
[WALPUR wobbles back to his coffin. He gives another yawn.]
COCO
......Walpurgis. You’d do well to watch your tone.
WALPUR
Whaddya mean?
COCO
I mean you had better stop getting fresh with me if you know what’s good for you!
WALPUR
............Sure, fine. You’re the one who made me, buddy.
[WALPURGIS slams the coffin lid shut. COCO, his patience worn thin, approaches the front of the coffin. He glares at it, as if he wants to say something. But he manages to stifle his irritation and regain his composure.]
COCO
......I’ll see you again...... Tomorrow morning.
[COCO briskly exits. The piano music continues. Beat. Suddenly, a clattering sound as NARUTOSHI gets up from his hiding spot, a dumbfounded look on his face.]
NARU
..............................Yokan!
[NARU rushes toward YOKAN’s collapsed body. He glances furtively around the room, then violently shakes him.]
NARU
Yokan! Yokan! ......Hey! Are you still with me?! Yokan!
[NARU props up YOKAN’s upper body, continuing to shake him and lightly slap his face.]
NARU
Yokan, please! Open your eyes! Come on, man!
YOKAN
Uh...... Ahh.........
[YOKAN shakes his head in pain and blearily opens his eyes.]
YOKAN
......Oh...... Naru.
NARU
Yokan!
YOKAN
Wa...... Wa...... [Like Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker]
NARU
Huh?
YOKAN
Wa......ter.
NARU
Oh, water! Just sit tight, okay?!
[NARU looks around, and finding the faucet, proceeds to fill a glass up with water.]
NARU
...L-listen, I wasn’t too afraid to help or anything! Honest!......
[NARU hands YOKAN the glass. He drinks its contents with a gloomy look on his face.]
NARU
I just thought I’d wait and see what they’d do.
YOKAN
[Icily] For your information, they bit my neck.
NARU
......Yeah, I guess they did. ...But I didn’t think you’d actually pass out......... Please, you gotta believe me!
YOKAN
Yeah, yeah, I believe you...... Anyway, could you get me another glass? I feel like shit.
NARU
Yeah, got it!
[NARU runs to the faucet again and pours some water. But he looks a bit worried.]
NARU
Those guys......... They were kinda......... Saying some real vampire-y shit there, but I mean, they had to be kidding, right?
YOKAN
Yeah. They were just kidding.
NARU
O-Of course. Obviously.
[NARU gives him the glass again with a strained smile. He drinks the water.]
NARU
Still, biting your neck, man, that’s taking it way too far............... Hey...... You okay? .........
Does it hurt?
YOKAN
[Laughs with a look that says ‘are you fucking kidding me?’] Yeah, that’s kind of what happens when somebody fuckin’ bites you.
NARU
Oh, uh......... Of course............... Listen, man, I’m...... I’m so sorry for dragging you with me to a place like this...... And I knew how much you didn’t wanna be here...... It was real rotten of me. ......Let’s get out of this dump as soon as you can move again!
YOKAN
Shut up.
NARU
Huh?
YOKAN
Shut the fuck up! You shut your damn mouth [slaps the floor] and sit right here!
NARU
Yokan.........
YOKAN
.........
NARU
......Dude...... What’s gotten into you?
YOKAN
...............
NARU
......Why are you... Looking at me like that?
YOKAN
............
NARU
.........No...... Don’t tell me............
[YOKAN puts his hand on NARU’s shoulder and grips it.]
NARU
!
[YOKAN yanks NARU towards him and sinks his teeth into his neck. Blackout. NARU shrieks out in the darkness. His shriek is punctuated by intense music. Short beat. Abrupt change to classical music. Against the music, a number of agonized voices can be heard.]
VOICE
Water...... Gimme water. Please... I want water…
VOICE
No! Absolutely not! Only when you start listening to what I say!
VOICE
Gimme water! Water! I need water!
[Lights come up. The ruckus is coming from four boys lined up in a row. Two of them are YOKAN and NARU. The other two are new faces. It seems a number of days have passed and new vampires have been added to the ranks. In front of them, RITA, irritated, with his tutu and whip.]
RITA
Shush, all of you! Quiet! Just for one second! Be quiet!
[RITA strikes the floor with his whip. The four boys, startled, finally shut their mouths. LUGOSI sits on a chair in a corner of the stage. On his knees is a tray carrying four cups. He takes one of the cups and has a few little sips to taste.]
RITA
Ohhh, Lugosi, dear! For crying out loud!
LUGOSI
......[Like Kyon Kyon in the Fruit Up commercials] ......Hm.
RITA
Lugosi, dear!
LUGOSI
Mm?
RITA
I’m sorry, but why exactly do I have to put up with this nonsense?
LUGOSI
Why, Rita dear, it’s because the Master told us to.
RITA
Now I know that, Lugosi dear, but honestly――――
LUGOSI
You see, Rita dear, we’re lucky to have gotten more of them, but, how do I put it, as vampires they’re a bit, ah, lacking in self-awareness.
RITA
Honestly! They’re practically cattle.
LUGOSI
Cattle, cattle. Now the thing is, Rita dear, it’s all well and good that we can keep these cattle on a glass a day, very easy; but the Master, now, he put quite a bit of precious time and effort into making them, and this many, at that.
RITA
Hear that, boys? You better be listening!
THE FOUR
[Nod silently with vacant expressions]
LUGOSI
And that’s where you come in, Rita dear. He’d like you to give them a little tough love, whip them into shape a bit...... You see?
RITA
[Irritated] Alright, you hear that? Now, I’m going to ask you all a few little questions, so if you know the answers, speak up. Do I make myself clear?!
THE FOUR
[Nod]
LUGOSI
Now then...... Here we are.
[LUGOSI hands RITA a great, bulky book. RITA gazes at LUGOSI. LUGOSI gazes at RITA. Their faces grow closer and closer together. Then, the second before their lips touch, they abruptly face forward. Sudden, abrasive music. Dancing in time to the music, they shout out.]
RITA
Let’s begin. Question one!!
LUGOSI
Question ONE!!
RITA
Who was the beautiful Carpathian countess said to have bitten 610 virgin girls to death at the end of the 16th century?!
[They turn around to face the four boys. The boys ponder the question for a short while, then shake their heads. RITA, livid at this, brandishes his whip.]
RITA
UUUGH!! Look, you get this into your heads, alright? Erzsébet Báthory! Got that? ......
Now, next question!
[The two start to dance again.]
LUGOSI
Question two!!
RITA
Question TWO!!
LUGOSI
Over a span of four years beginning in 1944, a man lured a total of 9 men and women to his house, and after bludgeoning them to death, he slit their throats, drank their blood, and melted their remains in a bathtub full of sulfuric acid! They called him the Vampire of London!
RITA
The Vampire of London!!
LUGOSI
The Vampire of London!! And his name was――――!!
THE FOUR
[Shake their heads]
RITA
.........UUUGH, John Haigh, obviously! John Haigh!! Nowww, [flipping the pages] ......Even you should know this one. Let’s see, recent vampire movies...... Right, The Hunger, dreadful piece of work, that one; but anyway, who’s the one singing through the wire fence in the opening scene of The Hunger?
THE FOUR
[Shake their heads]
RITA
.........Peter Murphy, obviously! .........Give me a break......
LUGOSI
Come now, Rita dear, perhaps these questions are a bit too difficult? Why don’t you try asking something a little more, ah, basic. You see? Basic.........
RITA
......Ah, good point. Fine, I’ll give you basic. [As if talking to a preschooler] Okay now, let’s see, can you tell me the things that vampires are mooost afraid of?
THE FOUR
[Shake their heads, again]
RITA
............Wait a...... You’re kidding, right? You think you’re a real bunch of comedians, don’t you? ............Garlic? Crosses? Obviously?
THE FOUR
[Clueless]
RITA
......Okay, fine. You asked for it. Time to break out the crucifix!
[LUGOSI holds out a small box. RITA takes a cross necklace from it and shoves it in the four boys’ faces.]
RITA
How’s this? Aren’t you scared? ......Aren’t you trembling? ............Aren’t you PARALYZED with terror?!
[The third boy abruptly takes the necklace, puts it on his neck, and gives a beaming smile.]
RITA
! .....................Lu...... Lugosi, dear...... He’s wearing the cross――――
LUGOSI
He is......
RITA
That boy is WEARING a CROSS!
LUGOSI
[Leaps to the box] Rita, dear! ...The garlic. Give them the garlic!
[LUGOSI pinches a large garlic bulb between his fingers and shoves it in the four boys’ faces.]
LUGOSI
How’s this? ......Doesn’t it stink? ......Isn’t it pungent? .........Isn’t it so UTTERLY HORRID?!
[The fourth boy takes the garlic, and after looking it over a bit, suddenly stuffs it in his mouth and begins to crunch on it loudly.]
LUGOSI
! ............What? .........Rita dear............ What is the matter with these boys?
RITA
......[Swallows his panic and somehow collects himself] Okay, alright, let’s try this another way. When you boys...... When you boys hear the words “blood drinking”, what comes to mind?
THE FOUR
............
RITA
When you hear the words “blood drinking”, what comes to mind? ......Yes, you!
YOKAN
...............Mosquitoes.
RITA
Huh?
YOKAN
Mosquitoes.
RITA
.........Mosquitoes?
YOKAN
Mosquitoes.
RITA
............[Quivering with rage] .........And you?
NARU
............Fleas.
RITA
Fleas? ............And you?
3
Ticks.
RITA
――――. ........................And...... And you?
4
.........Leeches.
RITA
――――.
[RITA collapses to the floor.]
LUGOSI
...............
RITA
......Awful...... You’re just awful! Have you no pride as vampires? None?! ....................................You’re cattle. Nothing but cattle, all of you!
WALPUR
That’s right. We’re cattle.
[Taken aback by the voice, RITA and LUGOSI turn around. WALPURGIS saunters in.]
RITA
Walpurgis............
WALPUR
We’re cattle, alright...... Nah, we’re less than cattle. We’re ticks. Leeches.
RITA
No, hold on, I only meant these four――――
WALPUR
Exactly! How long you think it’s been? Two weeks! ......Two weeks and three days...... And all we’ve had for company is that moron over there. Every day, every day, 150cc of water. Then we sleep. Water. Sleep. Water......... If we aren’t cattle, what are we?
RITA
Well, I think that’s a fine life.
WALPUR
I thought being a vampire would be a hell of a lot more fun. ......You heard them! Fleas can drink blood, leeches can drink blood, nothing special there!
LUGOSI
Walpur, my boy, that’s not true. You’re not a flea or a leech. You have a purpose! A sublime goal to fulfill!
WALPUR
Okay, tell me. Please, enlighten me as to what that goal is.
LUGOSI
............
WALPUR
Heh! ......No female blood, only male. And as young as possible............... Plus these guys are the only ones stuck down here. .........What’s the angle here? Huh? You wanna build yourselves a homo empire or what?
RITA
[Suddenly glaring] .........You got a problem with that?
WALPUR
Nah, it's cool. I'm down with it! But I’m not gonna be that old dirty bastard’s personal lapdog!
LUGOSI
If you aren’t............... What exactly are you going to do? ...............Hmm?............... Didn’t you yourself say you don’t care if you’re human or vampire? That all you do is eat different food?
WALPUR
You think humans live like this?
LUGOSI
Walpur, my boy...... Don’t lose your head. Hmm? Everybody has good times and bad times in their life. You have to tell yourself that. See? Good times. Bad times.
WALPUR
[With a piercing glare at Lugosi] Oh, really. .........And I suppose sometimes......... This happens too?
LUGOSI
?
[WALPUR abruptly dives behind LUGOSI and puts a knife to his neck.]
LUGOSI
Walpur! Why, you――! Hey!
RITA
Walpur!
LUGOSI
Stop that! Let go! Hey!
WALPUR
Hold still!
LUGOSI
............Stop it――......Walpur――............Y-You wouldn't bully a cripple!
WALPUR
Gimme the key.
LUGOSI
Eh?
WALPUR
You got the keys, don’t you?
LUGOSI
Why, you...............
WALPUR
Hand ‘em over!
LUGOSI
.........
[LUGOSI hesitates for a moment, then takes a jingling bundle of keys from his inside pocket. WALPUR snatches them up and lets LUGOSI go. LUGOSI pitches forward and goes into a violent coughing fit. WALPUR, keeping his knife pointed at RITA and LUGOSI, jangles the keys in his other hand.]
WALPUR
Heheh......Heheheheh...............Heh heheh heheh-fuckin'-HEH! I’m outta here...... I’m gonna blow this place. Time to kiss this dump goodbye!
LUGOSI
.........You’ll......... You’ll regret this!!
WALPUR
Dipshit! [Takes a glass from the tray and splashes the water in LUGOSI’s face] From now on I get as much water as I want, when I want. And all the blood I can drink! [To the other four behind him] Hey! You guys keep doing this, you’re gonna turn into fleas and leeches for real!
[WALPUR splashes water on them too.]
WALPUR
Seeya. Say hi to the boss man for me!
[WALPUR runs out. The four boys stand there blankly, water dripping from their faces.]
RITA
What do we do?!
LUGOSI
Chase him! ............After him, now!
[RITA exits. LUGOSI runs to the exit as well.]
LUGOSI
Master! Master! ............It’s an emergency! Master!
YOKAN
Mosquitoes.
NARU
Fleas.
3
Ticks.
4
Leeches.
LUGOSI
[Turns around in surprise] ......What are you.........
YOKAN
Mosquitoes!
NARU
Fleas!
3
Ticks!
4
Leeches!
LUGOSI
.........What are you saying?!
YOKAN
Mosquitoes!
NARU
Fleas!
3
Ticks!
4
Leeches!
LUGOSI
Stop it! Stop it!!
YOKAN
Mosquitoes!!
NARU
Fleas!!
3
Ticks!!
4
Leeches!!
LUGOSI
STOOOOOP!!
[LUGOSI swoops towards them and grabs one of their collars. Sudden blackout. Music. “What’s New, Pussycat”. After a while, lights come up to reveal two boys in hats standing in a corner of stage right. Something like a large steel plate is placed upstage, and the back wall is no longer visible. This means, perhaps, that the director wants to tell us we are no longer in the basement, but outside, somewhere in the city. WALPURGIS enters from stage left, swaying in time to the music. He’s out of breath from all that running, but seems to be in a good mood. He spots the two boys.]
WALPUR
Heyyy! ...............Hehe............ Lovely weather we’re having! ............Hey!
THE TWO
...............
WALPUR
Heh heh...... C’mon! What’s good, kitty cats?!
THE TWO
[Look at WALPUR. But face forward again, as if to say ‘who’s this weirdo?’]
WALPUR
Come on......... What’s with the silent treatment?!
[WALPURGIS approaches the two boys. They run to stage left, switching places with him.]
WALPUR
Oho! .........Don’t you try to run from me. Hey!
[He approaches them again. They run back to stage right.]
WALPUR
Oho? Oh ho ho ho ho? ............Aw, what’s wrong, you don’t like Mister Walpur?
THE TWO
............
WALPUR
Heh! ......Don’t play dumb with me......... Say something!
1
Aw, shut up.
WALPUR
‘Scuse me? .........The hell you say, you little shit?!
[He approaches them again. And again they run to stage left.]
WALPUR
............
THE TWO
............
WALPUR
............Whatcha doin’ here? Takin’ a walk?
THE TWO
............
WALPUR
On your way to school or something?
THE TWO
............
WALPUR
Wait, I got it. You’re waiting for somebody.
1
Who are you?
WALPUR
Huh?
1
What do you want?
WALPUR
Oh, nothin’ much. How old are you?
1
I don’t know.
WALPUR
Hmmm. You?
1
.........You don’t know when to quit, do you.
WALPUR
[Stares at their silent faces] Oho? .........Now you’re a real cutie, aren’tcha?
2
............
WALPUR
Hey, you. Lemme get a better look at your face.
2
[Turns away]
WALPUR
Aw, don’t be like that. Look at me! [Starts approaching 2]
1
Stop it, please!
WALPUR
[Suddenly serious] You stay out of this!
[He pushes BOY 1 away. BOY 1 collapses to the floor.]
1
What are you doing?!
WALPUR
Hey, look at me. ......I said look at me!
[He grabs 2’s shoulders violently.]
WALPUR
Let me give you some lovin’!
[WALPURGIS abruptly yanks 2’s body close and bites his neck.]
2
[Faintly] Ah!
1
Agh! What are you doing?!
[1 jumps on WALPURGIS’ back and tries to tear him off 2.]
1
Stop it, please! What are you doing?! Stop――――
[WALPURGIS abruptly wrenches away from 2. 1 is sent to the floor again. A scream! But it isn’t 2 or 1, it’s WALPURGIS, shrieking.]
WALPUR
Auuuggghhh! Ugh! Auuurrrrggghhh!
[Music. WALPURGIS falls writhing to the floor, clawing at his neck. 1 looks at him, surprised. He has no idea what’s happening. He looks at 2, who is standing still in a daze. He spots the bloodstains on 2’s neck.]
1
Y-Your......... Your neck............!
[2 touches his neck. Looks at his hand. There is blood on his fingertips. He looks at it blankly, as if it’s somebody else’s. Then, RITA rushes in.]
RITA
There he is! ......Master! Over here! Hurry!
[COCO rushes in after him. He sees WALPURGIS writhing on the floor and runs up to him.]
COCO
Walpurgis! What happened to you?! Hey! Tell me what happened!
WALPUR
.........Uurgh...... [Pant, pant]......She... She’s......... [Pant, pant]......... She’s... A girl! She’s a GIRL!
COCO
❗️
[The music changes. COCO, his face tense, emerges into the spotlight. He looks at the boy (or so we thought). She suddenly opens her mouth, still looking at her fingers.]
GIRL
Brother......... I.
BROTHER
What is it?!
[The GIRL points at the suffering WALPURGIS with a smooth motion, and speaks in monotone.]
GIRL
.........I. .........Want. That boy’s heart.
BROTHER
Huh?
GIRL
I. Want. His heart.
BROTHER
What are you talking about?!
GIRL
[Looks into WALPURGIS’ eyes] I want. To rip his heart. From his chest.
BROTHER
――!
[An image of a giant heart, projected via slide, emerges onto the steel panel in back. The OLDER BROTHER, who was looking at his sister in shock, now extends his hands before him with a twitching motion, as if spellbound. He spins around to face WALPURGIS, and approaches him in the manner of a sleepwalker. The instant before the BROTHER lays his hands on WALPURGIS, COCO, snapping out of his dumbstruck amazement, lifts his cane in the air, quaking with fury. He brings it down on the BROTHER’s face.]
COCO
You fool!! Open your EYES!!
[The BROTHER collapses and tumbles upstage. COCO pursues him and starts savagely beating his face. The BROTHER, one hand pressed to his face and the other pressed on the steel panel for support, staggers up the wall.]
BROTHER
My eyes! My eyes!!
[projected slide illuminates the BROTHER’s face. Blood pours from his eyes and drips down his cheeks. But the GIRL, not even turning to look at him, gazes at WALPURGIS. And WALPURGIS gazes at her. Slow fade to black.]
[Intermission. Seating area bustles with activity. A number of people stand up and rub their behinds. “Bit of a letdown.” “I like it!” “Nah, Mercuro was better.” Usual profusion of comments from the peanut gallery. A serious-faced young man around 24 mutters “Not as fleshed out as their last one.” Then, with a halfheartedness that makes him frown even harder, a girl meekly appears from behind the stage right curtain, holding a large, bucketlike platform to her chest. How fleshed out the play is is clearly the last thing on her mind. She places the platform on the floor, quietly sits herself on it, and takes out a violin.]
GIRL
Umm, I’m going to play my violin now. But it’s for the intermission, so please feel free to use the restroom, smoke, and talk amongst yourselves. Okay, here I go.
[The girl abruptly begins playing. And then she stops. She gives a quick bow of the head. Some of the audience might applaud. The girl turns the sign on her chest reading “INTERMISSION” around to show the word “INTERMEZZO”. House lights go down. The girl begins to play again. The BROTHER and SISTER from before enter from behind the center stage curtain. The BROTHER is wearing white-rimmed sunglasses. The siblings remain at the center of the stage, stock-still and facing forward, à la American Gothic. The BROTHER’s style of clothing is, how should we put it, disorganized. The SISTER suddenly speaks.]
SISTER
.........Brother. How is it? Does it still hurt?
BROTHER
I’m okay, Whammy.
WHAMMY
Um, we’re having lovely weather again, Brother. You probably can’t tell, though.
BROTHER
.........I guess not.
WHAMMY
So I made sure to dress you up real nice today! Don’t worry! Even if you’re blind, you can be super cool, as long as you look stylish!
BROTHER
. ........Yeah. I guess so. ..................W-What color tie did you give me?
WHAMMY
Your favorite, of course, dark blue. [This is a lie.] And a white shirt and a black belt. [This is also a lie.] ............And your pants look real sharp too!
BROTHER
R-Really. [Look at this dimwit, getting all bashful.]
WHAMMY
I’m so happy I’ve got a wonderful big brother like you! .........Even though you’re blind.
BROTHER
Y-You really don’t have to rub it in like that.
WHAMMY
I mean, you’re blind. What else am I supposed to do.
BROTHER
..................Do you............... Do you really love me?
WHAMMY
Of course.
BROTHER
Really?! Then why’d you say you want that guy’s heart so bad?!!
[Startled by the BROTHER yelling, the girl with the violin stops playing.]
WHAMMY
........................I don’t know......... I don’t know......... I don’t know.........
BROTHER
..................So now what are you going to do?
WHAMMY
You don’t have to worry about that, Brother. Thinking too hard is bad for you. ‘Cause you’re stupid. Not to mention blind, right? So you just go ahead, stop thinking, let me dress you up every day, and spend all your time sitting there doing nothing.
BROTHER
........................
WHAMMY
Okay, I’m off.
BROTHER
Where?
WHAMMY
Wherever.
BROTHER
You can’t just―—
WHAMMY
See, you’re thinking again! Don’t do that...... How about this? Face this way―— [turns her brother toward stage right] There, now walk straight forward!
BROTHER
Th-This way? [Starts walking, tapping out the way with his cane]
WHAMMY
Yeah, yeah! That’s it! Just go straight forward! Straight forward!
[WHAMMY disappears behind the curtain as she says this. The brother keeps going, but bumps into the stage right wall.]
BROTHER
Huh? It’s a dead end. Come on, Whammy, you shouldn’t tell lies.
[Beat. The violin girl starts playing again.]
BROTHER
..................Whammy? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything? ........................Are you still there? Whammy!! ..................WHAMMYYYYY!! ...........................Whammy.
[Blackout. The sound of a heartbeat. Lights come up center stage. WALPURGIS is lying on an aluminum bed, sparkling silver. His chest is cut open, and from the wound rises a heart, floating about 20 cm in the air. It’s an artificial heart, connected to his chest via an ‘artery’ resembling a rubber tube. Part of the heart moves faintly in time with the sound of the heartbeat. RITA and COCO gaze at the heart from either side.]
RITA
. ..Mr. Heart, Mr. Heart, floating in the air. Who’s the ugliest anywhere?
COCO
Mr. Heart, Mr. Heart, floating in the air. Who’s the brazenest anywhere?
RITA
Mr. Heart, Mr. Heart, floating in the air. Who’s the nastiest anywhere?
COCO
Mr. Heart, Mr. Heart, floating in the air. Who’s the stupidest anywhere?
RITA
...It isn’t you.
COCO
And it isn’t you.
RITA & COCO
...It’s that one little girl.
COCO
[Abruptly] OH, DAMN IT ALL!
RITA
Master, no! Yelling like that might affect Walpurgis! Master!
COCO
...I detest her... I detest her, Rita.
RITA
I know how you feel, but―—
COCO
Look at this! ...This heart, its grotesque bloating, its sickly hue!
RITA
Mm...
COCO
It beats. Just barely, it beats. But look! So feeble...
RITA
But... Why?
COCO
I don’t know... I don’t know... This heart was borne of the finest fruits of my research... Yet of all things, one little girl… One little girl… One little girl! ONE LITTLE GIRL!! ONE LITTLE GIRL!!
RITA
Master!
COCO
.........One little girl...... And a few tiny drops of blood......
RITA
...Oh, what will happen to Walpur now...
COCO
Learn one wrong equation, and you’ll never reach an answer... Now that this heart has escaped my grasp, and begun to walk on its own... It’s become a monster... A monster...
RITA
How horrifying...
COCO
Rita. For now, we must do what we can. If that fails... Then we must...
RITA
Surely you don’t mean―—?!
[Intense music, and the stage left door lowers to let in the four boys from act one, each carrying his spoils of the hunt. They line up in front of the sleeping WALPURGIS. COCO briskly approaches them.]
COCO
Good. Make your reports.
NARU
Reporting, sir. Hamazato Kentaro, 17 years old, high school student. Attacked yesterday, past 2 AM, as he was buying a book from a streetside vending machine.
COCO
Oh, good, very young! Next!
YOKAN
Reporting, sir. Taguchi Takaaki, 19 years old, prep school student. Attacked this morning, around 4:20 AM, as he was drinking milk alone on a bench near Ikebukuro Station’s north entrance.
COCO
A fool. Next!
HIJIKATA
Reporting, sir. Zhou Yizhen, age unknown, Chinese citizen living in Japan. Bitten on Master’s express orders yesterday during a business discussion.
RITA
W-Wait, isn’t this man―—?!
TATSURU
Reporting, sir. Name unknown, age also unknown, servant and interpreter for Zhou Yizhen. Bitten after Zhou, for causing a commotion.
RITA
Hey, these two are―—!
COCO
That’s right. The butchers I always sourced my corpses from. Ah, gentlemen! If you would,
lay your spoils on the table there and line up behind it.
[The four begin to unload their spoils on a dining table at stage right.]
RITA
But why them, of all people?
COCO
We must hurry.
RITA
But―—―—
COCO
We’re killing two birds with one stone.
RITA
Huh?
COCO
I had the boys accompany me yesterday while I went to purchase a new body.
RITA
If you need a new body, that must mean…
COCO
But this time I had to contend with some truly absurd price gouging.
Wholly unusable corpses, too.
RITA
...So...
COCO
Yes. Well, ideally they’d be a touch younger, but anything is preferable to that girl’s blood.
[RITA pokes ZHOU’s face with a finger, with a look in his eyes that says he still can’t accept it.]
COCO
Now, gentlemen! Let us begin!!
[Music. The four vampire boys each take a thick rubber tube from WALPUR’s bed and put it in their mouths. A machine in the corner of the bed starts up. Blood starts to drip from a clear glass tube extending above WALPUR’s mouth. WALPUR unconsciously opens his mouth and begins to gulp down the dripping blood. RITA looks on, alarmed.]
RITA
But why them, of all people?
COCO
We must hurry.
RITA
But―—―—
COCO
We’re killing two birds with one stone.
RITA
Huh?
COCO
I had the boys accompany me yesterday while I went to purchase a new body.
RITA
If you need a new body, that must mean…
COCO
But this time I had to contend with some truly absurd price gouging.
Wholly unusable corpses, too.
RITA
...So...
COCO
Yes. Well, ideally they’d be a touch younger, but anything is preferable to that girl’s blood.
[RITA pokes ZHOU’s face with a finger, with a look in his eyes that says he still can’t accept it.]
COCO
Now, gentlemen! Let us begin!!
[Music. The four vampire boys each take a thick rubber tube from WALPUR’s bed and put it in their mouths. A machine in the corner of the bed starts up. Blood starts to drip from a clear glass tube extending above WALPUR’s mouth. WALPUR unconsciously opens his mouth and begins to gulp down the dripping blood. RITA looks on, alarmed.]
RITA
...Is... Is this blood... Theirs? [Points toward ZHOU and the rest piled on the table]
COCO
[Nods]
RITA
...I see... Then what about Walpur’s contaminated blood?
[COCO silently lifts up a plastic jerry can from behind the bed and shows it to RITA. It’s full of blackish blood.]
NARU
...Mr. Coco.
COCO
...
NARU
Mr. Coco.
COCO
...
NARU
Mr. Coco!
YOKAN
Mr. Coco!
RITA
Master!
COCO
...Ye...Yes. ...What is it.
NARU
We’re done with the blood transfusion, more or less...
COCO
...I see…
NARU
I think... We gave him about 2000cc...
COCO
No... That’s 1400 to 1600.
NARU
Oh... I see... Okay... Bye, then...
COCO
[Ignores him] Rita.
RITA
Ah. Yes, Master.
COCO
Ask Lugosi if he could get Walpur’s heart back inside him sometime today.
RITA
...Yes, Master…
COCO
We’ll keep an eye on him for a bit...
NARU
Um... What should we...
COCO
Ah, you... I have one more job for you all. .........Remember the siblings?
YOKAN
You mean those two―—―—
COCO
Find them, and bring them to me.
YOKAN
But shouldn’t they be in a hospital or...
COCO
No, they must still be around here somewhere. They must!!
NARU
What are you going to do with them?!
COCO
Don’t ask questions. Your job is to know nothing, and do as you’re told.
NARU
―—―—―—―—―—―—―—―—.
COCO
Walpurgis. ...Listen well! What happens next all depends on your will. Chase her out. Expel
every last bit of that girl from your body, from your heart! You hear me?!!...
[To the rest] Let us be off!
[COCO whirls around and leaves through the exit. The rest follow him, still concerned about WALPUR. WALPUR is left alone. He begins to groan in pain. His shadow rises onto the back wall. Within the stillness, the moans of his nightmare gradually grow louder.]
WALPUR
...[Pant, pant]... Whammy... Whammy... [Pant, pant]... Wh-What are you talking about?! I’m not gonna bite you! [Pant]... You hear me? I won’t say it again... Huh?! My heart? You dumbfuck!! My heart’s inside me!! [Pant, pant]... Huh?! It isn’t?!... Tch! Guess what, I don’t even have a body! What?! Goddammit! Oh, if that’s how it’s gonna be... [Pant, pant]... Come and get me... If you wanna get what’s comin’ to you, come and get me! Augh!! ...Augggh!!
[As he screams, WALPUR falls back into a comatose state. Only his labored breathing can be heard. Then, WHAMMY crawls out from under the dining table, rustling the tablecloth. She stares fixedly at WALPUR on his bed. She carries a small grandfather clock on her back, a hammer in her right hand, and a stake in her left. Slowly she approaches WALPUR, still in the throes of his nightmare, and readies the stake at the base of the rubber tube attached to his heart.]
WHAMMY
...Hey. It’s me. I came, just like I said I would. ...I’m gonna get you out of there now.
[WHAMMY smacks the stake with the hammer.]
WALPUR
OW!! [Opens his eyes]
[WHAMMY jumps back in a panic and hides the hammer and stake behind her back.]
WALPUR
[Shocked to see WHAMMY] Y-You!
WHAMMY
[Flustered] H-Hi there. Been a while.
WALPUR
You little creep! What’d you do?! What’d you just do to my body?!!
WHAMMY
Nothing. Honest...
WALPUR
Liar! ...What are those? What’s that you’re hiding?
WHAMMY
Oh, um, this... It’s a hammer. See, just an ordinary hammer.
WALPUR
And the other thing?!
WHAMMY
...Oh, welll... Um... A stake.
WALPUR
! ...Y-You came here to kill me, you bitch!!
WHAMMY
N-No!! Your heart! Just your heart!
WALPUR
“Just” my heart?
WHAMMY
I mean, I just thought I’d take your heart, since you don’t need it...
WALPUR
Just my heart... What’s the difference?! Don’t act like my heart isn’t me.
WHAMMY
B-But, I mean…
WALPUR
L-Look, once you pull my heart out, where does that leave me?!
WHAMMY
Oh, I didn’t forget about that! I know it wouldn’t be fair if I took something from you without giving anything back, so I brought you a replacement.
WALPUR
A replacement?
WHAMMY
Uh-huh. Here, look. It’s a grandfather clock.
WALPUR
A clock?
WHAMMY
Yep, see, you press it here and it rings and everything.
[She makes the clock go bong.]
YOKAN
Ha ha ha, come on, guys! You should get a load of this. A while ago I bashed my head in on one of those metal things... Check it!!
THE FOUR
WHOAAA!!
YOKAN
Right? My skull got split in two and half my brains are spilling out. But see... I’m still kickin’... Ha ha ha...
THE FOUR
KICKASS!!
YOKAN
Hey, wanna take this stick and stir ‘em around?
HAMAZATO
......Like... Like this?
[He nervously stirs the brains around.]
YOKAN
Ahhh, that feels reaaal nice, ahahaaa!!
THE FOUR
Wowww!! [Clapping in spite of themselves] [Clap clap clap...]
[WALPUR suddenly starts groaning again.]
WALPUR
Uuurgh! ...[Pant]...[Pant]... Shut up...Shut up!
NARU
‘Scuse me?!
YOKAN
Hey, cool it, Naru. He’s having another nightmare!!
NARU
...
WALPUR
Urgh... Whammy... Whammy...
NARU
Heh! Look at this sap... He’s moaning that girl’s name again...
TATSURU
What else can he do!
NARU
Hey! Boss man! Walpurgis!
WALPUR
Wha... Whammy...
NARU
Heh! He’s hopeless!
TAGUCHI
What a loser.
YOKAN
[Fishes around for a thick iron pipe in a corner of the room and shows it to everyone] Hey, how ‘bout we give him a taste of this?
NARU
Ooh! I’m down! Gimme that!
HAMAZATO
I-Is he gonna be okay?
YOKAN
He’ll be fine, few broken limbs ain’t gonna kill him...
HAMAZATO
But Mr. Coco...
NARU
It’s fiiine! Coco’s given up on him, man, no big whoop.
HAMAZATO
Huh?!
TATSURU
Wait, really?
NARU
Yeah, I hear him and Lugosi are already hard at work on the next guy!
EVERYONE
For real? Already?
NARU
Yeeep, that’s Mr. Coco for ya!
HIJIKATA
But... That makes me feel pretty bad for Walpur...
NARU
Aw, who gives a shit! He threw water on us and bailed; don’t pretend he needs a pity party. And look where he ended up...
TATSURU
Totally, totally.
NARU
C’mon, let’s hurry up and thrash him!! Heh heh!
YOKAN
Okay, where do we start?! Where do we start?!
NARU
Ooh, let’s see, how ‘bout his right ankle! Here we go!
EVERYONE
Go!!
[NARU raises the iron pipe. Then, COCO rushes in from a dome on stage left.]
COCO
Hey! Enough of that, you nitwits!
THE BOYS
...Mr. Coco...
[COCO briskly walks up to NARU, snatches the pipe from him, and throws it to the floor.]
COCO
What is the meaning of this?!
NARU
...But... I mean, look at the poor schmuck...
COCO
He is not a “schmuck”!
NARU
...I mean, look at Mr. Walpurgis... He’s calling out that girl’s name again.
YOKAN
Uh-huh. He keeps going “Whammy, Whammy”.
COCO
Again...
YOKAN
If you ask me, sir, I think he’s about done for.
COCO
That isn’t your place to decide!!
NARU
But Mr. Coco, he’s our leader, basically, so like, where’s that gonna leave us?
THE BOYS
Yeah.
TATSURU
Mr. Coco. You’ve given up too, haven’t you, sir?
COCO
..................
NARU
I mean, I hear you’re already working on the second one!
COCO
...Yes... Yes, he’s already finished, in fact.
YOKAN
Then please tell us, sir! Is he going to be our new leader? Is he?!
COCO
That remains to be seen.
NARU
Well, okay, so since Walpur’s out of commission for now, why don’t you elect one of us?
YOKAN
Yeah, yeah.
NARU
If, uh, say on the off chance you told me to, I’d gladly take on the job, sir! Heheh!
COCO
Don’t get ahead of yourself, simpleton!
NARU
......Aw, yessir... Tch... He got all mad at me...
HIJIKATA
But, please, Mr. Coco, at least tell us a little.
THE BOYS
Yeah!!
HIJIKATA
What’s the new guy like?!
NARU
Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
HIJIKATA
And I’m also wondering about the guy we captured, what was her name, Whammy’s big brother?
YOKAN
Ooh, yeah!
HIJIKATA
What are we going to do with him? No point just keeping him locked up in there, right?
YOKAN
Yeah! Tell us! Please, Mr. Coco!
COCO
...
TATSURU
Please, just a little, it can’t hurt!
NARU
Please, Mr. Coco!
THE BOYS
Mr. Coco!!
COCO
...Alright. ...If you insist, I’ll tell you.
THE BOYS
...... [Glance at each other, tense with anticipation]
COCO
Now, gentlemen, wake him up!
[The boys force WALPUR awake.]
COCO
Good, now move his bed to the back!
[The boys move the bed to the back as they’re told, and looks at COCO.]
WALPUR
...What now......
COCO
Rita! Lugosi! Bring him here!
[Music. RITA and LUGOSI enter from the dome in upstage left, pushing the coffin that held WALPUR in Act One.]
THE BOYS
!!
WALPUR
What the... That’s... Isn’t that my coffin?
COCO
That’s right, Walpur.
WALPUR
Huh? Wait a sec. The name’s different...
LUGOSI
Indeed, Walpur. Can you read this? G-E-S-T-A-P-O... “Gestapo”... It says Gestapo.
COCO
Now, Lugosi! Start the show!
LUGOSI
Yes, Master. Now, Gentlemen! Are you listening? First, shout “Eins!” You got that? “Eins!”
THE BOYS
“Eins”?
LUGOSI
I get it, I get it, but you don’t gotta get it, you just gotta get it out your mouths! Get it? Now, go!
THE BOYS
Eins!
LUGOSI
No, no! All together! Louder! Got it? Now!!
THE BOYS
EINS!!
[RITA crosses over to the back of the coffin, carrying a cane and an alarm clock. COCO watches, roaring with laughter.]
WALPUR
What?! What’s going on?!
[RITA brings the cane down on the lid hard. The coffin’s lid jerks open a bit, a hand in a black leather glove peeks through the gap and opens the lid, and the man in the coffin sits up, covering his face with his hands. Just like WALPURGIS’ birth in Act One.]
WALPUR
!!
[RITA shoves the alarm clock in GESTAPO’s face. Gradually it stops ringing.]
WALPUR
Stop it! Stooop!!
LUGOSI
No need to worry, Walpur! Things will be different this time! [Leaps on top of the coffin] Take a good long look at him!
MANSERVANT
He stinks! This man stinks!
TAGUCHI
Seriously, he reeks! Like a rat!
LUGOSI
Yes, it’s only natural he smells a bit. Know why? ............His body is almost entirely composed of mouseflesh.
YOKAN
Euuuggghhh! That’s fucking nasty!
LUGOSI
And you, gentlemen, have Zhou Yizhen to thank for that!
ZHOU
XXXXX.
LUGOSI
All the bodies he got for us were too rotten to use! Look at what we had to work with! He only has one eye. He doesn’t even have vocal cords! Gestapo! Try and say something!
GESTAPO
AHHH, UHHH.
LUGOSI
My point has been made! He even has a mouse’s brain. And as such, his IQ is exactly... Zero. Zilch. Listen to that putrid laugh. Eh? Aren’t you happy, Gestapo? Why so happy? Eh? What’re you so happy about? Eh? [Slapping GESTAPO’s face]
GESTAPO
AHHH, AHHH! [Laughing]
LUGOSI
But he is an elite. The elite of the elite. His fighting instinct is sharpened most keenly. He has the mouse’s agility and sensitivity to danger. A living weapon, so to speak. He will never lose! He doesn’t know what it means to lose! Sweet, beautiful victory is all that he is!!
GESTAPO
AHHH, AHHH! [Yelling]
LUGOSI
...And, well, now you see how we made the most of Walpurgis’ failure. Ahhh, I’m tired. [Gets off the coffin]
WALPUR
......No kidding... So I guess I’m fired...
COCO
Not necessarily. You still have one last chance... Gentlemen! Bring the girl’s brother here!
THE BOYS
Yes, sir!
[They leave through the dome in a stampede of footsteps.]
WALPUR
The girl’s brother... You don’t mean...
COCO
Correct, the dear elder brother of little Whammy, who so haunts your dreams.
WALPUR
What is he doing here?!
COCO
Know this, Walpur. I am a man who’s lived by my foresight and cunning...
[THE BOYS stampede back in, pushing the OLDER BROTHER. He screams, with a bewildered look on his face.]
BROTHER
What are you doing?!! Stop it!!
COCO
Come now, brother dear, calm yourself, calm yourself!
BROTHER
...You!! [Recognizes COCO by his voice]
COCO
Eyes still throbbing in pain?
BROTHER
Where’s Whammy?!!
COCO
Little Whammy isn’t here at the moment.
BROTHER
Liar! I know you got her somehow!
COCO
Preposterous. First of all, I detest girls, I’d never let one so much as set foot in here...
BROTHER
...Damn it... So... What are you... Gonna do with me?
COCO
You’re her brother, aren’t you? I’d like you to take responsibility for her actions.
BROTHER
You already put my eyes out!!
COCO
Ah, your eyes. Eyes are easily replaced.
BROTHER
Urgh!!
COCO
Walpur, on the other hand, is at death’s door!
BROTHER
............What... What do you want me to do............?
COCO
Donate some love today.
BROTHER
Huh?
COCO
Which is to say, some blood. Please, that’s all I ask.
BROTHER
...Ha... Ha ha ha... Aw, gee, that’s all?
COCO
Yes, if you would.
BROTHER
But, but, will our blood types match? Let’s see, I’m type A...
[Everyone laughs, ridiculing him.]
COCO
Oh, goodness, you needn’t worry about that.
BROTHER
Huh?
COCO
His heart can take any mixture of blood types with no risk of clotting. That’s what I devoted my research to......
BROTHER
...?!
COCO
Naturally... That part of creating a vampire was what gave me the most trouble. Typically, when you mix two different blood types, rejection occurs and the blood coagulates. To that end, I studied mosquitoes, fleas, leeches. The structures of vampiric organisms...! But some attempt at a sacrifice had to be made, so I deliberately made it that female blood would produce an adverse reaction. And that... Proved fatal.
BROTHER
......You... You... You......!!
COCO
Now, gentlemen! If you would guide him [hits the coffin] to the donation room!
THE BOYS
[Eyes glinting] Yes, sir!!
NARU
Heh heh! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Heh heh!
[THE BOYS creep up to the terrified BROTHER and turn him to face the coffin.]
WALPUR
Stop it! Enough of this, you goddamn maniacs!!
NARU
Shut your mouth!!
WALPUR
I’ll never drink his blood!!
COCO
Why?! Why, pray tell, won’t you?! Since when were you such a humanist?!
WALPUR
............
[THE BOYS freeze in front of the coffin, cornering the BROTHER. They begin to taunt him, imitating cats.]
THE BOYS
Meowww, meowww...
COCO
Lie down, Gestapo!
GESTAPO
AHHH!!
THE BOYS
Meowww, meowww...
BROTHER
Stop... STOP IT!!
THE BOYS
MEOWWW! MEOOOWWW! MEEEOOOWWW!!
COCO
Good, now get him inside!!
[THE BOYS leap upon the BROTHER and raise him high in the air, carrying him to the coffin. GESTAPO’s hand extends from the interior. THE BOYS lower the BROTHER onto him. They all step away the instant they finish. In their place, COCO leaps toward the coffin and slams the lid shut.]
COCO
The lid! Hold down the lid!
[Several of them leap toward the coffin and start holding down the lid. Shrieks, violent noises, and GESTAPO’s moans emanate from the coffin’s interior. Sometimes the coffin’s lid clatters as it is pushed up with a terrible force. Eventually, blood begins to drip from a small hole in the front of the coffin. COCO runs to a corner of the room and brings back a laboratory flask.]
COCO
Come! Get the blood from the coffin!
[COCO hands them the flask and has them collect the dripping blood. Eventually the flask is filled, and the interior of the coffin grows silent. Hands trembling, COCO slowly opens the lid.]
COCO
Gestapo... Rise!
[Cackling, GESTAPO stands up, carrying the BROTHER in his arms. The BROTHER is dead, covered in blood and ripped to pieces like an old rag.]
WALPUR
A... Augh!
COCO
[Holds the flask aloft] ...I leave the rest to you, gentlemen. When you’ve sucked him dry, throw the scraps to Gestapo and the mice!!
[THE BOYS run up to the coffin and start sucking on the BROTHER’s body like barnacles. The ones who can’t get to him slurp up the blood pooled inside the coffin and leaking from the hole. GESTAPO stands over them, still laughing. WALPUR buries his face in his hands, unable to take it. COCO, RITA, and LUGOSI gaze on coolly. Slow fade to black. Music segues into the nostalgic strains of La Canción de Marcelino. When the lights come up, COCO and WHAMMY are seen sitting at a table covered in a white cloth. Numerous dishes are arranged on the tabletop. The girl hums in time with the music.]
COCO
Now, my dear, what would you like? Here is a terrine of foie gras. ...Here, a dish of baked mussels. And then we have some veal medallions in tomato sauce, garnie de pistaches. Come, you should finish your song and eat before it gets cold.
WHAMMY
......
COCO
What’s the matter? Hm? [Chuckles] ...Please, you needn’t worry about any of it being poisoned.
[WHAMMY abruptly reaches out and takes an apple.]
COCO
Oh? The young lady would prefer some fruit? Indeed, as a girl does.
[WHAMMY suddenly starts to speak.]
WHAMMY
On the glossy floor, gold lanterns are lit. Small heads, long hems, not a chair to be found.
COCO
...Eh?
WHAMMY
Why did you call me here all of a sudden?
COCO
...Ahh... By way of apology, for a number of things...
WHAMMY
...
COCO
How... Has your brother been?
WHAMMY
He’s blind now.
COCO
[With a melancholy expression] Is that so... My condolences. Oh, no wonder you haven’t got an appetite. I believe this calls for a glass of wine! Ah, yes, yes, would you prefer red or white, my dear?
WHAMMY
......Red.
[COCO claps his hands together, delighted.]
COCO
Indeed, ah, perfect. I thought you would say that, my dear. ...This is the fabled Chambertin, patron saint of continued victories―― Napoleon never failed to take it on his campaigns, you know.
[COCO pours the wine into a glass.]
WHAMMY
...Oh... Pretty!
COCO
Isn’t it? Its taste is full-bodied, yet delicate.
[WHAMMY takes the glass and inhales its aroma.]
WHAMMY
...Hm.
COCO
What’s the matter?
WHAMMY
This wine... Smells funny...
COCO
Nonsense. Go on, have a sip.
WHAMMY
...
COCO
Go on!
WHAMMY
...No. I can’t drink this.
[WHAMMY returns the glass to COCO. COCO takes it, reluctantly.]
COCO
...Really... A shame. ...And you could have had a taste of how it feels to be a vampire...
WHAMMY
...? [Looks at COCO]
COCO
Ha ha ha... That’s enough pageantry, any more would be in bad taste. More to the point: That is your dear brother’s blood.
WHAMMY
!! ......My brother’s... Blood?
COCO
Ah, him? He’s right over there! [Points out a jar on top of the bed] Come, over there, in the big jar, see those 30-odd mice? And do you see... The bright red meat they’re picking at?
WHAMMY
!!
COCO
...Look now... What an itsy-bitsy little thing he’s become! ...Not that he was that big a lad to begin with. Ha ha ha.
[WHAMMY, face frozen, grips the tablecloth tightly. Silently, slowly, she rises. She draws back. Everything on the table comes crashing to the ground with a deafening noise.]
COCO
.........That foie gras really didn’t come cheap, you know.
WHAMMY
......
[Dark music.]
COCO
......Have you ever heard this, my dear? ...When a nest of mice finds itself on the verge of starvation, they will, as if by mutual consensus, all at once pile themselves in a heap on top of their brethren. In this manner, the weakest is crushed, suffocates, and becomes feed for the rest... This is how they survive.
WHAMMY
......My brother isn’t a mouse.
COCO
......No, he is. Your brother... And you too...
WHAMMY
......
COCO
And... [Points to the door] ...So are they...
[The stage left door opens with a crash, and GESTAPO appears, covered in blood and carrying WALPURGIS. The boys run in after him and line up in a row. GESTAPO lowers WALPURGIS onto the bed, with his usual unceasing laughter.]
COCO
Come, Gestapo, won’t you introduce yourself?!
GESTAPO
AHHH, AHHH.
WHAMMY
...Walpurgis!
WALPUR
[Pained] Huh? ...Oh, it’s you again... So you really came.
WHAMMY
......
COCO
Hmph... What a terrible state you’re in, Walpurgis. One would think you a living corpse.
WALPUR
Ha ha... Come on. I was always a living corpse.
COCO
...Well... You’re not wrong. And I assume you’ll soon return to being the usual sort of corpse?
WALPUR
.........
COCO
This is your last chance. Drink this, in front of the girl!
[COCO holds out the glass of blood.]
WALPUR
......
COCO
I’ll say it again. ...Drink it.
WALPUR
I already said I wouldn’t, buddy.
COCO
You’re that smitten with her?
WALPUR
Bullshit!
COCO
Then why won’t you?!
WALPUR
[Laughing] I’m sick of all this. I’m done bein’ a vampire!
COCO
......Be a corpse, then.
WALPUR
Oh, sure, you bet!
COCO
.........
WALPUR
Come on! Get it over with!
COCO
You have two options. [Indifferently] One, drink the girl’s blood again, and die writhing in agony. Two, get some help from Gestapo, [points to the jar] and join her brother.
WALPUR
Ooh, alright. Heh heh.
COCO
Now! Which will it be?!!
WALPUR
......Hey... How about this, Mr. Coco. Gestapo the Great and Powerful offs me, then when he’s done, you take my heart, and give it to Whammy?
WHAMMY
[Looks at WALPUR, surprised] Walpur...
COCO
Unthinkable. ...Out of the question.
WALPUR
......Alright. ...Thought you’d say that. .........Well, I don’t see any other options! Whammy!! ............I’m gonna drink your blood! You ready?!
WHAMMY
............... [Nods four times, trembling]
COCO
Is this what you want? Truly?
WALPUR
Yep!
COCO
Gentlemen! It is time to commemorate Walpurgis’ very last dinner. Let there be revelry!
[The vampire boys rush over to WALPURGIS and WHAMMY and surround them. Some of them seize WALPURGIS, and others turn WHAMMY to face him.]
COCO
...Walpurgis. If you have any last words, speak them now.
WALPUR
......Fine. ...Okay... I’ll only ask you one last time... So you better answer me.
COCO
What.
WALPUR
Who makes the world turn, and where are they?
COCO
...
WALPUR
You? Here?
COCO
No. ...Didn’t I say as much already?
WALPUR
Then who?! ...Why did you create me?! Why?!! Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!!
COCO
......Young lady. Do you have any last words?
WALPUR
......
WHAMMY
......No.
WALPUR
......Hehehe... Ha ha ha... Ha ha ha!!
COCO
Don’t laugh! Not at the end; at the very least not at the end, don’t laugh!
WALPUR
......Oh, please... What else am I supposed to do?!
COCO
......
WALPUR
Whammy.
WHAMMY
......
WALPUR
......Here I go... Get ready!!
[Music. WALPURGIS, after a moment of hesitation, resolutely bites WHAMMY’s neck. But he immediately tears his mouth away, groaning in pain. Determined, he bites again. His body trembles in agony. Enduring, he continues to bite her. The two figures are lit from behind, eventually disappearing from sight. Fade to black. Music changes. Lights gradually come up. WALPURGIS is collapsed on the bed, and a giant something floats in the air, penetrating his chest. Everyone looks on, stupefied. WHAMMY has fallen down at the foot of the bed.]
NARU
[Suddenly speaks] The year 1986.
YOKAN
Tokyo.
HAMAZATO
The Club... Walpurgis.
TATSURU
In the base... Base... Base... Base...
EVERYONE
Basement.
WALPUR
...When I opened my eyes... I saw a giant heart floating above me, gazing down at me. ......Now I think I know how Gregor Samsa must have felt.
COCO
Walpurgis!!
WALPUR
Then there was Coco, yelling at me in a strangled voice. Whammy, warm just moments before, lay at my feet.
COCO
Walpurgis!!
WALPUR
That’s right... I’ll name this big, swollen-ass heart above me “Whammy.” ...............Looks like somehow... I can keep on living... And all a living corpse like me can do... Is keep on laughing.
COCO
Walpurgis!!
WALPUR
...Hey there... Coco... Boss man Coco!!... This... Is how you and I... Meet again! This is how it begins!!
[Music. Blood sprays from the heart, splashing all over the room. Bathing in the blood, the flock of vampire boys all press the heart with their hands, repeating this motion mechanically. In the midst of it, WALPURGIS, still laughing, forever.]
――Curtain――
1][1]Since there’s little information available on many members of the production team, the readings of the kanji in their names are uncertain, and as a result many of the names given here are guesses. Cast and staff listing is sourced from a program leaflet, the script published in Shousetsu JUNE no.23-24, and Keiko-san’s blog.
[2]Otsuka Jels Hall was a small theater in Kitaotsuka, Tokyo, that closed in 2006. Its archived website has photos, so check those out if you want to get a feel for the mood.
[3]Club Walpurgis was an actual club in Tokyo, famous as a local goth landmark (sort of like the Batcave in London). The club was closed in 1987, but came back as a regular event at other clubs in 2001. This had to be suspended in 2020 due to Covid, but it seems like as of writing it’s going to be resurrected as an irregular radio show.
[4]Robot is a brand of “brothel creeper” shoes made by the George Cox footwear company,
sold at the store of the same name in Covent Garden in London from the late 70s into the 90s.
Punk fashion essential!
Now all the ladies
Frolic together,
Make trifling talk
In their unfriendly grace.
In the autumn night of the world below
I know the frolics of the world above.
On the glossy floor,
Gold lanterns are lit.
Small heads, long hems,
Not a chair to be found.
In the autumn night of the world below
I know the glow of the world above.
The faint glow of the world above
Cast its shadow on a little festival once,†
Long ago a quiet, quiet frolic,
A banquet in the night of the world above.
I saw it from the world below,
But before I knew it, it was over.
†Translated literally, this line would be “A kagematsuri long ago”. A kagematsuri, literally “shadow festival”, is a small festival taking place on the date of a larger festival not being held that year.
Muito obrigada pela tradução! eu não estava conseguindo achar em lugar nenhum.
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